We are our emotion’s biggest advocate
Ever since I started participating in personal therapy, I have begun to consider my own strengths, blindspots, and self-image. What do I expect of myself? What do I like about myself? What makes me, me?
In recent months, I have shifted into neutral and begun backing out of the parking spot that was panic and entered into what I’m referring to as young-adulthood-first-gear. I’ve graduated from university, which was a huge accomplishment! (yes, I got over my imposter syndrome long enough to type that). I got my first job! I learnt how not to apply for health insurance (2 months late) and then very quickly how to apply for health insurance. I even worked through multiple interpersonal and even a few intrapersonal ones. I started taking anti-depressants and accepting that no matter what the tagline for your twenties is (read: stay up all night, apparently) that I am simply not a night owl.
But, in putting myself under a microscope, I have discovered that I spend a great deal of time thinking about my place in other people’s lives. I do it because I really care about causing distress and trouble. I think far beyond my biggest fears: heights, fast-moving vehicles, poisonous insects, I fear causing issues. I hate it when I have to tell someone else that I’m upset because I constantly fear how my feelings may affect someone else. If I tell a friend that they have upset me, will they be super hurt? Or think that I’m a difficult friend? Or become resentful or hesitant to come to me next time they need help or want to have fun? How will my feelings impact our friendship?
My therapist (let’s call him Frank because he is) analyzed and named these two parts of my personality: a person, with feelings and complex thoughts, and a person who is deathly afraid to admit just that. Obviously, these aspects are in conflict with each other. Further, my afraid-self is much bigger maybe 90/10. Who are we kidding, it’s 99/1. Regardless, it isn’t healthy. I don’t think he was suggesting that I swap over and let the former win out all the time. All of us swallow our needs and feelings sometimes in service of a different goal. We push through feelings of heartache because we have to accept that we can’t force others to like us or to treat us with respect. We have to move on with our lives. We push through physical pain to build strength in injured body parts. No matter how many times our physical therapist yells at us.
Frank had me give a voice to these two battling personalities. So, I told him I wished that I could be my afraid-self all the time. Someone who didn’t have feelings or at least didn’t feel the need to express them. In other words, I was wishing that I was a robot. He thought this wish was unacceptable. Who’s to say who was right (he was right). And so as an exercise I took some time to consider why I don’t want to be a robot.
Why I don’t want to be a person who doesn’t have feelings
To begin, my feelings are valid and they exist. I am a real person and so I should be allowed to express my emotions when I have them.
But more importantly, to me: my feelings make me who I am. I think my ability to understand and think about others is what I like most about myself. And if I can’t express my feelings, then I can’t hope to be the best version of myself. At the end of the day, we are our emotion’s biggest (and sometimes only) advocate. It is our job to think through how we are feeling and then consider filling important people in on a need-to-know basis.
If I have a friend that has done something that has hurt my feelings, I should process how I feel and then I should talk it through with them. Feelings are their own monsters. They can start out as a mini-bout of jealousy or an extra-small cup of sadness but they can quickly manifest into one of those comically big buckets of popcorn at movie theatres, and you know they’re asking for extra butter. They can bubble up in ways that you really didn’t intend and that’s the last thing you want. Because you are responsible for your emotions and where they take you.
And when you think about it, it’s a miracle that we’re even able to tell each other how we feel — to translate thoughts and emotions into the social/verbal world. Have you ever had a feeling that you just didn’t have the words to describe? Like what’s the word for: I love you so much but I don’t agree with you. What’s the word for: your comfort is someone else’s distress? There are things that are impossible to express out loud and sometimes they may come out wrong or in ways that we didn’t intend.
Our feelings exist inside our brains and no one will know exactly how you feel. So when I say you are an advocate, you are really the only person who can tell anyone, even you, how you feel. And despite our best efforts to proceed unbiased, our feelings impact how we move through the world. They affect how we look at problems, how we perform on any given day, and how we treat others. So we can’t deny that they are vital to consider but even if they are exponentially difficult to voice.
This whole emotions-cafe is a project in self-development and working through your emotions is a tightrope that we all are learning to walk (with no formal training I might add!) But I should also point out that I’m super lucky, I have a brain that allows me to express how I’m feeling in words and that’s not a privilege everyone gets. It may take time but figuring out when to let your feelings-self win and when to let your others-focused-self win is a delicate art and it’s a critical part of growing up.
So, Zulaika (insert your own name if this applies to you. Be honest!), if you’re listening you don’t have a choice! You can’t be a person who swallows all their feelings. You have to work as hard as you do for others, for yourself.
