Why not ask people who they are?

Artwork by Maya Chen

I’ve been writing these lists on my phone recently: “Things I love” or “Things about me that only I would know” even “Things I have don’t have evidence for not liking”. All in an attempt to get to know myself better.

While it’s weird to say, I don’t think I know myself very well. It’s as if someone whispered it to me and I didn’t quite get it and then I didn’t ask immediately for clarification so now it’s gotten to the point where if I asked it would be strange.

At first, I thought the reason for my lack of self-knowledge was due to overt middle child syndrome. Or in other words, the fact that I’m not used to being alone/ focusing on myself. However, I’m starting to think most people don’t really know who they are.

Like for example, why don’t we ask people “who are you?” when we meet them? Why do we ask “how are you?” (by the way, does no one else think it’s a coincidence that how is just an anagram of who? no? just me?). Is it maybe because we don’t trust the person as an accurate evaluator of themself? Is it because actions speak louder than words?

If you ask me actions can be ambiguous. You ordered the vegetarian noodles so are you a vegetarian? Or did you just not feel like eating duck today? If you had said, “Hi, I’m a vegetarian. I would like the noodles.” I would know for sure! I’m not saying we should let people get away with announcing things like “I’m Santa Claus and you can believe me because I’m saying it right now,” but maybe we trust people a smidge more. Maybe that would push people to find out things about themselves and then we could combine our knowledge of people with what they say and what they do.

Besides, “how are you” is not an easier question to answer. This overused phrase makes its way into all sorts of unhelpful situations. I’ve had complete strangers who at first meeting ask me how am I. 87% of the time I say something vague and useless like “I am fine.” They could have asked me “What’s your favorite color,” that question is more likely to yield an honest statement.

The reason we don’t ask could be because most of us are scared to admit the truth. That we don’t know.

I think people really do want to learn about themselves. That’s why personality quizzes are so popular. It’s our…